"What do you do?" Shifting our small talk

In the United States, our small talk is very direct.  After asking someone’s name and maybe where they are from, the next question is usually, “What do you do?”

In a culture that defines a person’s worth by their productivity, it can feel very vulnerable to say you don't have a 9-5 job.  This subject can feel especially raw for people with newly acquired disabilities that precipitated a career change or an early retirement.  

Even for the traditionally employed, this question can be daunting.  Brené Brown, who researches the human condition, wrote about this in her book The Gifts of Imperfection:  “Most of us have complicated answers to this question.  For example, I’m a mom, partner, researcher, writer, storyteller, sister, friend, daughter, and teacher.  All of these things make up who I am, so I never know how to answer that question” (page 114).  While the roles I fill are different than hers, I can still think of a long list of words to describe myself, most of which aren’t career related.

No matter our state of life, the question “What do you do?” can tempt us to oversimplify our self-worth.  To this predicament, I offer three solutions to help us begin to value ourselves differently.

1:  For those of you who dread the question “What do you do?”—find a response that feels empowering. 

Some, employed or not, prefer to change the subject or give a sideways answer, such as mentioning a project, a hobby, a volunteer position, or a current goal.  “We’re remodeling our kitchen,” or “I’m learning to knit,” or “I serve at a soup kitchen,” or “I’m planning to take a class in German in the fall.”  Technically, these are all appropriate responses to “What do you do?”, although they have nothing to do with employment.

Others find it validating to honestly say they are unemployed.  “I had an accident and my job is my recovery,” or “Lately I change a lot of diapers.”

Still others like to talk about their professional skillset, what they studied, or what they used to do.  After all, if you are trained as a mechanic, I imagine you still consider yourself a mechanic even if you aren’t working as one at the moment.  Your professional knowledge can affect the way you interact with the world beyond working hours.

It may take a few tries to decide what response feels the most empowering to you.  Once you find it, stick with it!  Use your words to shape the conversation.

2:  Change our small talk questions.  

Instead of waiting for someone to ask what we do, we can ask a different question.  “What are you up to these days?” is a nice catch-all, although it may still be interpreted as a question about employment.  We could ask about hobbies, which while a less common question could spark an interesting conversation.  Or we could go for the classic “Where are you from?” and keep the topic on geography.

For the socially bold, perhaps you can find a really unique small talk question, something that really gets someone thinking.  Hank Green of the Vlogbrothers once said in a podcast that his favorite small talk question is "What's your favorite bridge?"    

In any case, steering our small talk questions away from directly asking about employment could save a lot of stress for many people.  I’m not saying it’s wrong to ask about employment, or to talk about it.  I just think maybe it shouldn’t be the first thing we need to know about someone.

That brings us to solution three.  This suggestion is the hardest one and the most profound.

3:  Let’s stop assigning monetary value to our worth.  

Every person—despite employment status, health, intelligence, physical appearance—every person was created in dignity and deserves to be valued for who they are. 

If our worth isn’t in our income, then the question “What do you do?” isn’t so intimidating.  Brené Brown encourages people to talk about what they love doing, even if it’s not what pays the bills.  “Overcoming self-doubt is all about believing we’re enough and letting go of what the world says we’re supposed to be and supposed to call ourselves” (page 115).  So if you're really into birdwatching or painting or making the perfect sushi roll, talk about that during smalltalk!  

The point of small talk isn’t to impress others.  It’s to make a connection.  One of the best ways to connect with others is by sharing that we believe in ourselves, and encouraging others to do the same.