Speaking with Kiki: The Power of Praise: Research-based ways to Encourage and Empower

Sometimes, I fail. I don't finish my daily to-do list. I overcook dinner. My words fall flat, or worse, hurt someone’s feelings. Too often, my response to myself is harsh: I’m lazy, I am not a good cook, I’m a bad communicator. My failures define me.

Conversely, when I succeed, I own a success as if it is a part of me. I am a great planner, a gourmet cook, the next Madeleine L’Engle.

Praising and criticizing myself for my innate abilities can create the illusion that my successes and my failures define me and determine my worth. That’s a lot of pressure! Also, I am reinforcing the idea that my successes and failures are due to innate abilities, which are difficult to change.

The good news is that our dignity is inherent, no matter how talented we are (or aren’t). And we do have the power to try again if we want to. So how can we use our words to remind ourselves—and others—that our successes and failures do not define us? How can we use our words to encourage each other to keep trying even when things don’t work out the way we hope?

Most of the research I’ve read on praise and feedback indicates that the most empowering kinds of praise are very specific comments on someone’s efforts (specific, process-based praise). Instead of saying to a child, “You’re smart”, we can say, “You worked really hard on that long division problem.” That way, we are encouraging them to think about successes and failures as being the results of behaviors. They can change their behaviors if they want to. Behaviors are choices, often with no moral consequence. If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again, right?

The findings seem to be fairly consistent: children who receive more specific, process-based praise are more likely to demonstrate healthy self-esteem and higher motivation to try again after a failure. This seems to be especially true of children with low self-esteem. (For a selected bibliography of praise and feedback research, see the links at the bottom of this post). So using specific, process-based praise can be really empowering!

As a Speech Therapist, I would like to add that specific, process-based praise can be used even in an event that seems like a failure. Praising the efforts and the little successes of a patient is like a treasure hunt: what sorts of positive affirmations can I find in a seemingly negative situation? I’m also trying to apply this to my daily life outside the clinic. Here are some specific, process-based praises I have given recently:

“Good coughing—way to keep that airway safe.” (This was to a small child.)

“You are doing so well allowing your child to explore foods at their own pace.”

“Good stretching. I know that’s tough for you but you’re working hard at it anyway!”

“I can tell you put a lot of thought into the unique combination of spices for this soup.”

“You just made my day by saying something so kind to me.”

“What a great job giving specific praise to your child.”

What specific, process-based praises can you think of today—for yourself and for others around you?

Let’s focus on praising efforts rather than attributes in order to empower ourselves and others. It’s not easy to change a speech pattern, so we have to be patient with ourselves. I have been working at it for years and I am still not perfect at it. But that’s OK, because I’m trying really hard to develop a habit of giving specific, process-based praise, and I am definitely seeing a pattern of improvement over time in my language. (See what I did there?)

I’d like to return to the idea of person-based praise. In the studies I’ve read, person-based praise is usually contingent on a pattern of success, such as “You’re so smart” or “You’re good at that.” As someone who works with folks with disabilities, I can see how statements like those can be true one day, but not true in the same way the day after a car crash. Is intelligence, or ability, or even kindness the measure of our worth? Of course not. Our dignity is inherent and cannot be enhanced or removed.

What if there is another type of person-based praise, one that isn’t contingent on ability or achievement—a praise of a person’s inherent dignity? What would be the effects of those person-based praises? If I were a praise researcher, this would be my study question. For now, I will list some person-based praises that I believe can build up people’s dignity without putting any pressure on them to succeed. Please feel free to add more of your own in the comments!

~You are important.

~I love you for who you are (not for what you do).

~You are wonderful, and you are wonderfully made (see Psalm 139).

~You are amazing just the way you are!

~There is no one exactly like you; what you have to offer to the world is unique.

~God made you in wisdom. (see Psalm 104).

~The day you came into existence, the world was changed for the better.

~God made you special, and He loves you very much! (Thanks, Veggie Tales!)