Liking my patients, my loved ones, and myself

Some days, I just don’t like myself.  From the outside in, I notice plenty of flaws.  I have acne, my hair is a wild mess, my posture is slouchy, my attitude is grouchy, I’m impatient and rude and arrogant—and I make plenty of mistakes. 

So I remind myself that even if I’m not likeable now, I’ve got potential.  I’m just in the caterpillar stage.  Someday, I’ll be a beautiful, virtuous butterfly.  I should like myself for my potential…right?

That’s not what Mr. Rogers says.

Here are the lyrics to a song from the Mr. Rogers program; this song appeared briefly in the new Mr. Rogers movie starring Tom Hanks (no spoilers, I promise):

“I like you as you are
Exactly and precisely
I think you turned out nicely
And I like you as you are”

~lyrics by Josie Carey, music by Fred Rogers

Honestly, I hadn’t thought much about Mr. Rogers since I was a child.  I don’t even remember many episodes.  The movie, however, moved me deeply.  There is a lot to unpack in it, but this message sticks out the most to me:  We are all likeable as we are, even if it’s not our “personal best”.

When I’m with a patient, I make it a point to like them exactly as they are, right now.  For kiddos, I don’t focus on who they will grow up to be.  For adults, I don’t focus on who they once were.  I treat them with respect for their worthiness right now—their inherent dignity that doesn’t change.  Whether they are having a tough day or an easy day, whether they are biting and cursing or smiling sweetly and responding to my every cue, I am on their side and I try to be with them in the moment.  When personalities clash, this can be challenging.  But it’s always worth it.  I always want to be the ally of my patients, believing in them even when things are difficult.

So why is it so hard for me to treat my loved ones this way?  It’s too easy to expect my loved ones to change, to focus on the future or the past.  And I often say things to myself that I would never say to anyone else, terrible things about how awful it is that I can’t just get things right for once.  Why is liking others (and myself) in the present so difficult outside of the clinic/hospital?

When a family member began to acquire disabilities a few years ago, my two ways of “liking” collided.  Why should one family member get a “free pass” for bad days, but not others?  And if I was learning to like my family in their difficult moments, why was I holding myself to a totally different standard?

A new challenge:  to like my loved ones exactly as they are, even if I disagree with them, even if they have done something I don’t appreciate. 

And perhaps the biggest challenge:  to like myself exactly as I am, acne and mistakes and all, on my good days and my bad days.  Of course, I always try to be kinder and humbler, but I have to learn to like myself even when I fail. 

This is a journey for me, and I’ve got a long way to go.  Will you join me in learning to like others and ourselves, to be a bit more compassionate?  To get started, let’s enjoy the lyrics of another Mr. Rogers song:

“But it's you I like
Every part of you.
Your skin, your eyes, your feelings
Whether old or new.”

~lyrics by Fred Rogers, Copyright 1971 Fred Rogers